fINALe

They texted me about getting to a club. But I didn’t answer.

I just watched as I walked up to the doors; my movements felt weird, like there was something filling up my joints, making me jerk and twitch as I walked. I faded in and out of consciousness.

I remember it being dark, lit only by these flashing strobe lights. Beams of green and blue and pink and purple shooting everywhere, making everyone seem like some moving, dancing court of technicoloured ghosts or gods or fairies, sweating together in the dark.

And then I watched myself at the bar, downing shots of who-knows-what, knocking them back as some people I’d never seen before threw money to the bartender. 

And then I was washing down pills with my last shot, little gumdrops of pink and white and orange. Now, everything was shaking, wobbling. The music was louder, deafening. My clothes felt weird on my skin. I suddenly became aware of how hot it was, and wondered why Capricorn hadn’t bothered to take off my jacket.

And then I was grabbing a rubber goat mask from some strung-out shivering addict in the corner. I watched as my hands turned it over clumsily, inspecting the pockmarks and the tiny rips and tears around the edges. It was eerily realistic, like someone had cast a severed goat's head in foam.

And then I was walking by the dance floor, looking through the narrow eye-slits of that mask, when some girl grabbed my stained jacket by the front, pulling me over to grind, or something. Still shocked, I guess, my body was pushed against a pillar, and she moved in closer. I tried to scream, tried to do anything. But I wasn’t able to; I was just a passenger on this ride. 

My hands shot out, and Capricorn grabbed her head. She giggled nervously, not understanding. Her skin felt hot and clammy in my palms, her hair slick with sweat. 

Her hair became slick with blood after Capricorn slammed her head into the pillar the second time. Her eyes bulged out of her head, a choked gasp trying to escape her throat. But Capricorn slammed again. She made a dull thumping noise every time she hit the pillar, almost in time with the bass that filled room. I felt something give under the pillar, and Capricorn let go as soon as he picked up on the faint cracking noise. She crumpled; a red, pulpy mess trailed down the pillar as she slid to the floor. My hands were warm again, covered in blood instead of sweat.

And then...

And then I was cold again; outside. Some alleyway we’d passed on our way to the club. I was conscious long enough to look down and notice the drug dealer’s corpse I was sitting on; the gore-spattered pipe discarded in one corner; the little case of needles, open on the pavement beside me.

I was conscious long enough to feel another needle enter my arm, stinging-

wHyy arre yU wrritng ththisss dowwn??

OH GOD

iItt sssEemMss sssttrrrrnge tto kkeEep a Rreccorrd off Wwhtt we’vve done..

YOU DID THIS NOT ME I NEVER DID ANYTHING

YyOUu llett ME iiinn..

I...That was a mistake, that was a huge fucking mistake, I don’t know how I was fucking stupid enough to-

Bbuttt Iii dDo..

YuU lEtt ME inN Beccaussse itT fFellt gOoD..

NO, NO-

iIt ffElLt Bettrr ththAn HOw yYoU fFeeelL nNorrrmALLy..

IiT ffElT bETtrr ththaN SsSlOwLy ROTtng aWayY..

itt ffeLT beTerrr tHAnn dYINg..

You killed-

ShSHeE gRRabbED USS..

THAT WASN’T-

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER-

HeHE wWaS goiNnG tto hhUrrT uS..

BeSsIdEss..

ItT wWasn’Tt tHee fIrrstT tIme..

wha-

YyOuRR fFATHErr TrrIED to HuRRt USS tOO..

hE wAss So AnGRRy..

sOo manNy bOTTless..

you’re fucking lying, you’re-

YYoU rreMEmbER..

It wAs BloOdd.. Nott dRRool..

hE waS DEaD, nOT lyyng doWN..

YOU’RE FUCKING LYING TO ME-

chCHEckK ththe bbackckyarrrd..

i’Ll waait..

loOKk unNderr THe shOvvelll..

oh god

oh god i’m 

oh god dad 

i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so fucking

no, i’m not going anywhere.

i’m not fucking moving.

i’m going to call the fucking police.

i don’t care if they don’t believe me, you’ll be locked up. i don’t care if i have to be locked up too.

i’ll fucking kill myself if i have to.

YOU ARE NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE ST-

EeNnOugh..

tHE ttumorrrs FilL YoUR jjoINts..

yU cAN’Tt mMovve wITHOUTT my SSayso..

thISs vessElll ISs mINne nnoW..

thE OlLD mANNN waaass ttoo feeBle..

thThe OnnLyy goodD thThiNng hE cCoUlD dDo WAss PpaSssS ME alonng..

HE chchoSe yYU..

tHthe llEsseR chchild..

tHE reJeCT..

thThiNKk abboutt THat whIle yu WaTTchCH..

YuU wErre alWAyS llivvng likke yU werrrE dYINg..

NnOw iItT’sS My TurrrN..

Aannd Iii amm ddone with DyyIngg.