Spreading

I found another lump.

I took adderol and felt focused then went to dinner and locked myself in my room after so I couldn’t get out and fell asleep...

...and when I woke up there was another lump. In my armpit. It hurts to keep my arm down all the way.

I found another one in the back of my knee. 

And another one, in my wrist. 

The lump in my shoulder feels like it’s bigger now, but I haven’t looked at it. It’s wrapped up tightly in I don’t know how many layers of bandages, disinfected and gauzed. 

Whatever was in that needle was what probably allowed me to cut so deeply without passing out from the pain; it hurts now.

I prefer the hurt to the icy strain I feel against my skin as the tumors push outwards, growing and festering and writhing and twisting, little spots of concentrated death. Festering. I can feel them growing, and I know that’s not fucking normal, cancer patients don’t feel their tumors moving and pushing, right? But I feel them. But I feel them moving and it hurts so much